Are you iLost?

I am watching a couple sitting in a coffee shop, well I'm assuming that the fact they have walked in together and kissed each other on the cheek means they are together. But now I'm not so sure, they haven't made eye contact since, both are engrossed in a small plastic touch-screen they are clutching. He is smiling at his screen, and she is frowning at hers. Maybe they are emailing each other? Maybe by some freak of nature neither of them are able to talk and so they email each other to communicate. Occasionally they look up and share a snapshot of what is taking their attention. It's not an invitation to a conversation, more of an excuse for their absence. Only their bodies are in the coffee shop, the rest of them are iLost out in the ether, connecting with millions of others who have also left their bodies parked somewhere. Their sex life must be electric...not! Or maybe I'm old-fashioned, I mean, you don't even need to touch a real human to access sex at the touch of a button.

A mother and cheeky faced toddler come back from the till with a tray loaded with sugary bribes. She sits down, he wants her to play. She gets her phone out and becomes engrossed in the screen whilst trying various different distractions with her left hand which look like she is reaching out for a light switch in the dark. He isn't fooled by her remaining body, he knows she has left the building, is iLost, so up's the anti of his noise. All he wants is her quality time but he only knows three words, iPhone, iPad and mum.   

Relationships can't be made using technology, relationships come from conversations and shared experiences, relationships build-trust and true intimacy. This is why we get annoyed when a computer voice calls us from our bank, why we avoid the computer tills, the computer petrol pump etc. It creates a barrier to trust. 

At any one second there is a gazillion terabytes of stuff inviting you to leave your body, the trick is to be in charge of it. These terabytes love to fill your unattended and unvalued space, so unless you want your candy crush score etched on your gravestone, put the god damned thing down sometimes and go ask another human being how they are today.

Last year I saw many clients with an addiction to their iPad in the 50-65yr bracket. They had rewired themselves to get achievement from their word search scores, instead of their businesses. (I mean who is going to ask the CEO what they are really doing?) Spending time in chatrooms and only grunting at their partners for six months, inventing excuses to sneak off and spend time online. One guy even booked himself into a hotel so he could indulge in candy crush guilt free. Pixels are the new mistresses and affairs of 2014.

So ask yourself when you get the urge to escape through the plastic screen 'Where do I need to be present right now?' Get in charge of your technology and use it to create more time to have the freedom to spend quality time with those that you love.

Right I'm just off to do my emails....

How 'Thank You' can change a life

Is that 'Sunday night feeling' returning with the theme tune of Downton Abbey? Are the darker evenings and a craving for carbs slowly bring a sepia into your life?

January resolutions are so last year, September is the real time to take stock of your life, your relationships, your finances, your emotional well being, and anything else that is important to you as the pace of life picks up again as the tan start to fade. 

I want to share with you a heart-warming story that a recent client shared with me. It really touched my heart, brought some warmth, and certainly got me thinking;
 
I had worked with *Jane some months before and since then she had been in touch to say she was exploring fostering children to join her family of husband and biological daughter aged seven.

*Mia was the first foster child to arrive, a girl, aged eleven. She had been kicked out of two other placements previously for bad behaviour and had a heart-breaking story of abandonment. Jane didn’t find her much of a problem in the first few weeks, and was really enjoying having a new edition to her family. Inspired by a conversation we had in a session about the power of gratitude, she had a sudden idea to get a chalk board and put it up in her kitchen. She decided that whenever she wanted to ‘thank’ any members of the family for something she would write it on the board. After a few weeks of doing this, as and when, one day she opened the airing cupboard, a place only she went to, and there was a yellow sticky note from Mia saying ‘thank you for making me feel loved and part of a family for the first time in my life’

Now Mia and Jane leave each other notes in the airing cupboard whenever she can’t say something or is worried about something. Jane and her husband are now in the process of adopting Mia forever.

*names have been changed

All it took was a genuine ‘thank you for….’ To change someone’s life, install trust, change behaviour and create a future. Since then others she has told have put up boards in their companies, or found other ways of showing gratitude. Gratitude isn't just for hippies!

 

Look what Dr Masaru Emoto found the words 'thank you' did in his famous water experiment.

 

 

Who do you need to thank today, and when was the last time you thanked yourself?

Thank you for reading my blog

x    

21-Day EASY Procrastination Detox

Time to stamp your feet, and say 'no more' to excuses, denial and procrastination. Step forward and roll up your sleeves. It's time to take massive action. You will be amazed by the positive impact on your emotional well-being and your body this 21 day Easy Procrastination detox will give you.

Hands up who have done at least a 2 day detox in 2013? I see people running around drinking green stuff, juicers flying off the shelves, friends jetting off to Thailand to gorge on psyllium husk and fresh air all in the name of cleansing their bodies. They return, bronzed, concave, regular, and two weeks later the croissants and red wine are back.

It is said that if you want to see what your thoughts were in the past, look at your body now. And if you want to see what your body will be like in the future look at your thoughts today.

Constipation of the mind is caused by procrastination. All those 'things you need to do', or 'stuff you should do' backs up until the backlog has you trapped. The mind keeps all of those files open, ticking away, until they are dealt with. Its' a bit like when you are using your computer and have every screen you have ever opened minimised at the bottom of the screen. And then no surprise when...crash, it all comes to a halt.

Many of us have become experts in excuses and denial, the shadow of guilt or fear gets larger, and only when it brings more pain than the avoidance, will we be motivated to take any action. Chances are you will then do just enough to get out of pain, and then the entire cycle begins again.

21-DAY EASY PROCRASTINATION DETOX

STEP 1 - Write down your intention for this detox. What exactly is it you want to get out of it?'

STEP 2 - Write down and ask yourself these two questions

'What do I need to STOP doing?'
'What do I need to START doing?'

STEP 3 - Cut out excuses, even good excuses
Even better, have a detox buddy who can just make an agreed 'cough' sound if they think you are using excuse language. 'I haven't got time' being the biggest culprit. We all have 24hrs in our day.

STEP 4 - Each day before you go to bed write down one thing you will do the following day that you have been avoiding. If it seems too big a task to deal with, break it down into small achievable tasks that work towards it. i.e it could be to call someone, or open three of the fifty letters with clear windows you have hidden in a draw. It could be to forgive someone, or say 'no' to somebody.

Easy right? Go for it...

Keep me posted on your progress

Motivational sheep - 10 ways to avoid a self-help Guru

Watching a US reality TV show recently (I know, I know!) I felt the vomit rising up in my throat as a guy with ego infused eyes and a cheesy grin introduces himself as a 'motivational speaker', 'life coach', and 'life strategist'    (WTF). He then begins to spout cliche's and rehearsed drivel, which is like catnip to the lost, but won't really change your life past Tuesday. The camera pans round and you see an audience of a few hundred people looking trustfully up at this church less evangelist.

A life coach???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *looks at self in horror

As I chew the edge of my wooden coffee table to cleanse myself of his imprint, I add a snapshot of him to my mental image bank, to recall when I next need to run up a steep hill, or give birth to a rhinoceros. These narcissistic cuckoo's tell you what to do, and nest in your own lack of self-direction with their pseudo knowledge. The difference between knowledge and wisdom is, knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad. I have had conversations with many people who, thanks to guru's, are ignoring the reality stop signs in pursuit of someone else's implanted delusions. It's not their fault, they were looking for hope, new skills, and the road to happiness.

I had coffee with an unknowing victim, what I got was a seminar for one I didn't sign up for. A good man at heart, he had invested a lot of money in courses to help him to 'make a million speaking' or 'live an amazing life doing what I do', he had learnt not to value all the unique things that made him relatable, and human, and had become a puppet. He was detached, emotionally unavailable, further away from finding himself, and helping people was way down his list after Ferrari. The clue is when they talk at you in quotes and slip into a hybrid Anglo/American accent.

This plague is not to be confused with a heartfelt speaker that has an incredible story to tell where they have achieved something, triumphed over adversity, or royally messed their lives up, and got up again. Not to be confused either with someone who is so passionate about helping people they have turned their life into a living lesson. There are some incredible people who are dedicated to helping you too change your life, Anthony Robbins for example. These people have important recipes for survival and enjoyment of life, seek them out. Let's distinguish them by calling them teachers. When they start to speak, something deep within your soul warms, when the latter speaks you have to watch you don't sprout wool and start to 'baaa'.

So here is my guide to avoid becoming the sheep of a false shepherd or 'Guru' as they like to call themselves. This includes wanna-be Guru's who dream of being on stage to experience feeling important.

1. Guru's begin most of what they say with 'i', a favourite is 'I can make you xyz'
2. Guru's take 'best friend forever' style photo's of themselves with other Guru's to reinforce your belief in their status
3. Guru's behaviour off the stage does not mirror the values they talk about on stage
4. Guru's often should read their own books to take their own advice
5. Guru's imitate each other and pass off each others stories as their own because they lack any real experience helping individuals to change their lives
6. Guru's have followers that don't really blink properly and make you feel nervous, or get angry when you ask questions
7. Guru's have a set of rules, or a program, and get annoyed, or blame your lack of commitment for their failures
8. Guru's don't really listen in life, they only know how to output
9. Guru's have forgotten how to talk to people normally, they only do 'seminar mode' i.e asking all the questions, and answering in questions
10. Guru's have an overinflated sense of self-belief....until they step off the stage and mime their way through life

And the biggest one of all

    11.  Guru's need you to believe in them, to believe in themselves

If you are low on hope and want to get back on the road to happiness find someone wise who will support, and help YOU, to trust YOURSELF, to change YOUR OWN life and create your own resources and solutions.. They come from a place of service and wont be driving a yellow Ferrari, or peddling their lives as a show home.

Calling all worriers - take the anxiety test

Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere. We all worry at times, but if your worrying is running you, it's time to get out of that chair. Like Mr Worry are you addicted to worrying?

In the olden days, when the threat of being eaten by something, or charcoaled by dragon fire (according to Ruben, age 6) us humans were on constant alert for threats. The daily quest for water, food, hatching babies and staying alive was a full-time job. There were no 28 days holiday, duvet days, or sabbaticals to search for the meaning of life back then. Our ancestors legacy is a deeply installed, and hormonally supported blueprint to self-protect and stay alive.

Forward wind to 2013 and that legacy is active in all of our everyday lives. When faced with any perceived threat our mind and body reacts. The film, TV, advertising, book and gaming industries tap into engage our brains to emotionally react to what is being viewed. Our imaginations are a key portal into the mind and body connection. Imagination doesn't know the difference between an imagined experience and a real one. It tells the body to react for a moment as if the imagined threat was real. Think of a picture or time when you couldn't stop laughing...bet you have just started to giggle. That's the power of the imagination on the mind and body.

Today the dragons have been substituted by more of an invisible and internal threat, ' a fear of the future' produces anxiety. Anxiety is a mind and body response to an imagined fear in the future. The fear could be that perhaps in the future someone won't like you, or that you will get something very wrong, fail, or that you wont have enough money to live. Either way the message to the mind is that there is something significantly painful coming at you like a high speed train from the future. You can't avoid the future.

We all get nervous when stepping out of our comfort zone doing something new, or when something is demanded from us that we believe we lack the skill or experience for. If your thoughts, anxieties, or fears are impacting your quality of life, or you are constantly trying to avoid your fears by over-controlling your life -

Take the Anxiety test

Choose the one description for each item that best describes how many days you have been bothered by each of the following over the past 2 weeks

 

	None	Several	7 or more	Nearly Every day
Feeling Nervous, anxious or on edge
Unable to stop worrying
Worrying too much about different things
Problems relaxing
Feeling restless or unable to sit still
Feeling irritable or easily annoyed
Being afraid that something awful might happen

 Scoring

Total scores for each question

• None = 2
• Several = 1
• 7 or more = 2
• Nearly every day = 3

Total score _______________________

• A total score of 5-9 suggests mild anxiety
• A total score of 10 + suggests moderate to severe anxiety

If anxiety is holding you back in your life, stop coping with it, there is so much that can be done to overcome it and get your freedom back. Talk to someone, you will be amazed at how many people suffer with anxiety. Speak to your GP about CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) or talk to me about the amazing Thought Pattern Management system. Time to turn your Mr Worry into Mr Happy.

2 out of 5 people unhappy with their career

That's a lot of hours doing something you don't enjoy. All relationships go through some tough times, and not everyone adapts to and embraces change in a positive way. The impact of forcing yourself to be somewhere you hate for the long-term is damaging to your relationships, family life, and most critically your health. The latter, often, and sadly it's the last warning flag.

'In 2009/2010 an estimated 9.8 million working days were lost through work-related stress. On average each person suffering from work-related stress took an estimated 22.6 days off - HSE'

Some extracts from a recent interview I did on the subject:

* If someone is looking to change careers in 2013, what tips could you give them to help them build confidence/make a change?

1.      Decide ‘by when’ do you want to be in your new career. (even if you don’t know what it is, or how you can do it)

2.      Commit to taking action – be in the driving seat, don’t wait until you are pushed out

3.      Embrace all change as positive. If you don’t like it change it again.

4.      When you meet self-doubts ask yourself ‘if I wasn’t afraid, what would I do’. Listen to your answer.

5.      Explore your talents. You won’t see your hidden talents because you do them naturally. Ask others around you for feedback about what you would be really good at?

6.      When someone is unhappy they can try and change their job, car, relationship etc instead of changing themselves. Make sure that you are changing career for the right reasons.

* Why do you think some people get 'stuck' in a career rut?

Most people wait until the pain of not changing is unbearable, and then the need to get out of pain motivates them to overcome their fear of change. When you have career, family, relationship goals you can avoid this kind of constipation.

* Is setting goals/keeping a to do list important for development?

More important to write the goal down and picture yourself achieving that goal. Then break the goal down into smaller, achievable steps to work towards.

* If someone wants to work towards promotion, are there any tips you could give them?

Ask their line manager what they would need to be doing for that job to be theirs. Ask ‘what do I need to do more of,  or less of, and what strengths do I currently have that would be an asset to that role. Find out if there are any skills that you need to acquire. Step your game up and be consistent.

* If someone is feeling frustrated/confused about their career direction, what would you suggest they do?

Stop wasting time moaning, instead talk about what the problem really is to key people and friends. Decide what you really want to do. Secretly most people know, but they have buried it because they see their dream job as impossible or see too many barriers. Remember the man who says he can, and the man who says he can’t are both right. If your passion for your career can’t be reignited create an exit plan immediately, life is too short to spend 9 hours a day feeling unhappy. There are infinite choices, you just have to create them. Build your self-confidence in your abilities by doing some activities that are out of your comfort zon

Visit this link for more info and resources:  How to Make Career Changes in the New Year

January; The Hare and the Tortoise

Did you stick two fingers up to 2012, or welcome 2013 as just another day? New Year is pimped as a time for reflection and a portal for binging on good health. The diet and fitness industries are wringing their greedy hands with glee and looking forward to counting your hard earned bank notes this month. After a December of excess, most people will attempt something to address the balance. By February a huge percentage will have abandoned their regimes in favour of 'normal life'. There is nothing more boring to be around than a January martyr giving you a blow-by-blow account of what they have turned down, and how many pounds they have lost or put on that hour. Yawn!

Over the past twenty years there has been a cultural epidemic of a very unhealthy mindset 'all or nothing'. You are either fat or thin, beautiful or ugly, rich or poor, going to the gym lots or never going, too full or starving, too busy or bored, stressed or unmotivated, good or bad, can sing or can't, happy or sad..and the list goes on. We are obsessed with squeezing people into box A or B.

The mind meta program 'all or nothing' is a building block evident in many mental illnesses, anorexia, addictions, OCD, bi-polar, to name a few. It prevents someone from being able to perceive any kind of balance, place C, no matter how hard you point at it.

A recent client was too afraid to start a business she was clearly skilled enough to deliver because she was afraid that she would fail, so she did nothing instead and became depressed. And there it is again succeed or fail.

Once upon a time there was a hare who, boasting how he could run faster than anyone else, was forever teasing tortoise for its slowness. Then one day, the irate tortoise answered back: “Who do you think you are? There’s no denying you’re swift, but even you can be beaten!” The hare squealed with laughter.

“Beaten in a race? By whom? Not you, surely! I bet there’s nobody in the world that can win against me, I’m so speedy. Now, why don’t you try?”
Annoyed by such bragging, the tortoise accepted the challenge. A course was planned, and the next day at dawn they stood at the starting line. The hare yawned sleepily as the meek tortoise trudged slowly off. When the hare saw how painfully slow his rival was, he decided, half asleep on his feet, to have a quick nap. “Take your time!” he said. “I’ll have forty winks and catch up with you in a minute.”
The hare woke with a start from a fitful sleep and gazed round, looking for the tortoise. But the creature was only a short distance away, having barely covered a third of the course. Breathing a sigh of relief, the hare decided he might as well have breakfast too, and off he went to munch some cabbages he had noticed in a nearby field. But the heavy meal and the hot sun made his eyelids droop. With a careless glance at the tortoise, now halfway along the course, he decided to have another snooze before flashing past the winning post. And smiling at the thought of the look on the tortoise’s face when it saw the hare speed by, he fell fast asleep and was soon snoring happily. The sun started to sink, below the horizon, and the tortoise, who had been plodding towards the winning post since morning, was scarcely a yard from the finish. At that very point, the hare woke with a jolt. He could see the tortoise a speck in the distance and away he dashed. He leapt and bounded at a great rate, his tongue lolling, and gasping for breath. Just a little more and he’d be first at the finish. But the hare’s last leap was just too late, for the tortoise had beaten him to the winning post. Poor hare! Tired and in disgrace, he slumped down beside the tortoise who was silently smiling at him.
“Slowly does it every time!” he said.
Aesop Fables

I'm currently taking session bookings for knackered Hare's

Wishing you a very happy and balanced 2013

Here is your assignment....

1. YOU WILL RECEIVE A BODY
you may like it you may not, but it will be yours for the entire period of your time here

2. YOU WILL LEARN LESSONS
You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid

3. THERE ARE NO MISTAKES. ONLY LESSONS
Growth is a process of trial and error and experimentation. The 'failed' experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that work

4. A LESSON IS REPEATED UNTIL IT IS LEARNED
A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it, then you can go onto the next lesson

5. LEARNING LESSONS DOES NOT END
There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive their are lessons to be learned

6. "THERE" IS NO BETTER THAN "HERE"
When your "there" has become "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here"

7. OTHERS ARE MERELY MIRRORS OF YOU
You cannot love of hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself

8. WHAT YOU MAKE OF YOUR LIFE IS UP TO YOU
You have all the tools and resources you need, what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours

9. THE ANSWERS LIE INSIDE YOU
The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust

10. WHETHER YOU THINK YOU CAN OR CAN'T, IN EITHER CASE YOU'LL BE RIGHT

THINK ABOUT IT.......

Therapy Tuesday

'Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere' ancient proverb

How true is this!! If we added up all the minutes we spent worrying about something in the last month, most of us would have found some very valuable time to invest doing something much more fun. Worrying does nothing, that's right, NOTHING to help us. It does not provide solutions, it doesn't comfort, it does not make us healthy, and it does not improve our relationships.

So what is the purpose of worrying?

When you are in a state of 'worry' you are worrying about something that hasn't yet happened. True? It's worrying about the future. That is, your brain is creating lots of negative possibilities for the future. It's a bit like having a train stopped between stations and the driver putting the handbrake on (or whatever a train has!) and sitting and worrying about what's at the next station. What the driver needs to do is decide where the train is going, if the track ahead is going where he doesn't want to go, he needs to create and build a new track. Then he needs to get back on the train and take the handbrake off.

Many people have become expert worriers and are still in nappies when it comes to truly creating their own solutions. I know I was!

A client I worked with last year was constantly 'worrying' about money. His very real lack of funds was crippling his quality of life. The worry was preventing him from being able to view his options and was creating much stress. What he was doing was trying to survive on so little. What he wasn't doing was investing the same energy in creating HOW he could raise his income. In other words he was keeping the problem. In his case his money strategies began when he was six years old...but that's a blog for another day.

Whatever you are dealing with in life you CAN live a worry free life - worry simply indicates that you have run out of track. The solution is to check back in and create YOUR OWN choices for the future.

Stop worrying, choose your thoughts carefully, and get monstrously creative. The answers are all in your own noggin.

Happy Tuesday

Holidays - heaven or hell?

It's that time of year again when everyone is thinking about taking a break and going on holiday. For many of us this year there just isn't the budget to actually go away from home. If you feel like you need a holiday, what can you do instead?
The most important thing about taking a holiday is having a rest, mentally & physically. However, as we have witnessed in many a 'holiday from hell’ programme this isn't always the case! There are many things you can adopt to ensure that a holiday at home provides a good break with a sprinkle of fun. There are many things you can do to unplug and deflate from the usual escalator of life.

How to get all the benefits of a holiday without leaving home:

1) Call it a holiday – just because you are at home it is still a holiday. Calling it ‘off work’ doesn’t sound anywhere near as fun.
2) Tell your colleagues and boss that you are going away on holiday – you will be amazed how resourceful people can be when they believe you are away. Essentially how you communicate your boundaries shows others how to treat you.
3) Do a written and verbal handover of any current projects, even if that is not a usual requirement.
4) Decide what holiday spends you have as if you were changing money at the airport – This gives you guilt-free permission to eat out, treat your self to a massage, have a spray tan, buy a spur of the moment gypsy dress you will never wear after your holiday, keep the kids busy with activities etc.
5) What is it you want to gain? – Pre holiday, invest 15mins deciding specifically what it is you most want to gain from a break. Is it fun or relaxation? Fitness or lazy days? Decisions detox? Reduce your stress level. How do you want your life to look, feel and be as a result of taking a holiday?
6) Who wants to come too? – Invite a friend to join you on your week off, just as you would if you were going away. Same rules apply, make sure you both want the same from your holiday
7) Pot Luck anyone? – Invite your friends round for an evening. Set the theme as a country and everyone has to bring a random dish.
8) Delegate – book an au pair for the week, or send them off to grannies. Have a holiday from your holiday, create essential YOU time. If you are not full up how can you keep giving to others. 9) It’s not my job – before your holiday write down all your responsibilities, put them into a suitcase or better still post them to you at work so that they are there to pick up when you return. Work from home? Post them to a fantasy address.
10) Be open to adventure – Get out of your comfort zone, develop a holiday alter ego and give it all a go…